Prologue...

My Beautiful Daughter,

This book is something I wanted to do for you as you approached your eighteenth birthday. I wanted to gift you with the wisdom and experience I have earned in my lifetime on this planet. I wanted to share my complete story with you so you could see that no matter what, life is a livable thing. I guess I feel that it is my duty and joy as your father to in some ways prepare you for the life ahead of you, and that was really what this book was supposed to be about.

Life has a way of changing plans, and it seems to have changed my plan quite a lot. Today we got some bad news about your brain tumor and I realize that even if you beat this thing again, I have started to run out of “I will do that tomorrow” and am faced with the fact that I might not have a tomorrow with you. I hope this is not the case. I hope that I get to see you turn eighteen, that I get to see you enter college, that I get to see you walk across the stage and take your degree. I hope that I get to see you grow into the beautiful woman I know you will be. However, I can't promise myself I will get to see any of that, and even worse, I can't promise you that either. Instead I am forced to confront the fact I may not even see you live to be fifteen.

I have debated all night long if I should even write this for you, if I should bring the struggles you will be facing into the light. I have argued that it's better if you don't see the truth of your fathers feelings. Argued that by doing this I only invite disaster. However, the fact is that all my arguments against writing this are false. If I don't do this for you, then you will never know how much you are loved or what a special person you are. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn't feel I did everything in my power to tell you that.

Maybe that's a selfish statement, maybe that's a statement bread by the fear of you no longer being in my life, but it's the truth of how I feel. I don't want to see you die. It's not right that someone so bright and wonderful has to deal with the things you have already dealt with and it is unbelievably unfair that you are forced to deal with more. Yet, as they say, adversity builds strength.

I honestly can't say if I have ever met a person with more strength than you. This isn't the boasting of a prideful father, this is a realistic assessment of what an amazing person you really are. You have overcome so much in your life and you have done it with a grace and a bravery that puts me to shame. You have served to inspire me to be a better person just by simply being you. You have shined like the brightest star on the darkest night so often in my life and I will never be able to repay you for that. So many young women your age are concerned with such shallow things, but you, you have a deep and caring soul that already knows things well beyond your age. Every parent feels pride in their children, but few have a chance to be the father of some one like you.

Because of the news about your tumor I am forced to deal with a fear I have long kept at bay. That fear is the primal fear of losing you. That fear is that there will be a day I don't hear your laughter, I don't see your scowl, I don't get to experience the simple Serenity you possess. My fear used to be that it would be the course of life that took you away from me. That you would age and as you found your place in the world, as you found love, slowly drift away from me until you were a only weekly phone call and the occasional holiday visit in my life. I was afraid that there would be some guy who you would actually believe to be more awesome and wonderful than me. I worried that this man would be good for you, I worried that you would stop loving me because of him. However, I also understood this was the price of having children and was the process of life.

Now what scares me is that I won't be able to see any of those things happen. What worries me and will keep me up nights, is the fear that we will have to watch you die. I feel so silly and selfish for the those other fears right now. I feel like I was worried about the wrong thing all this time, and I was. Instead of worrying about some kind of strange future, I should have been more concerned with the now. Instead of thinking about what I hoped you would become, I should have been focused much more on who you were. By doing so I failed you.

Understand, I didn't fail you on purpose any more than any other parent fails their child. I failed you with the best intentions of success. We parents have this very strange job of trying to raise other people and somehow turn them into good people. It's not an easy job and there is no guide book on how to do this. Even today with technology at a level we couldn't have possibly imagined even thirty years ago, parenting is far from a science. Twenty years ago we were told parents were to hard on kids, now we are being told we are to soft. It seems every day you got some person who has never actually raised a kid making statements on how we should raise our kids. There are millions of books, TV shows, public forms, and more all dedicated to answering one simple question: How do we raise our children.

I tell you what Bean, there isn't a person on this planet that actually knows a damn thing about parenting. We all like to think we do, but the truth is the moment you came screaming into this world (and believe me baby you screamed fierce and brave) we parents are forced to make the rules up as we go and hope that it all works out. It seems kind of like you are screwed to begin with but honestly we seem to do okay as a species.

While I have had the privilege of being your father I have learned a few things I think are true about parenting.

1: No matter how hard you try not to, your gonna fuck up on occasion.

2: Kids are a lot tougher than they seem

3: No matter how much I wish otherwise, I can't stop all the pain in your life.

4: The pain in your life will help shape you into a better person as long as I give you the love and support you need.

5: Kids cost a lot of money but you don't care one bit that they do.

6: A child's love is the single most powerful thing on the planet.

7: No matter how hard a parent tries they will never feel they did well enough for their children.

It's not many, but I think they are true and they are what I use as a bit of an UN-official guide to parenting. It's that last one I try to keep in mind right now.

I will be honest, right now I feel like a real fuck up as a parent. I don't feel this way because of your brain tumor. I feel this way because I am realizing I allowed the excuses of “maybe tomorrow” and “not right now” to creep into my life. I far to often put my own needs and wants ahead of you and now, well now I have to accept that I could have and probably should have done more.

I am not saying it's wrong for a parent to think of themselves. After all, a parent who focuses to much on their children isn't a healthy individual. What I am saying is I know I could have done a better job. The problem is that just like everyone else on this planet, I am not a perfect person. I fuck up just like everyone else and sometimes the worst part of fucking up is you hurt someone you love. It's not an intentional thing. It's not something I sat down and thought about, but it is something I have to cop to. However, while I may have to admit a mistake, that doesn't mean I am powerless to do anything about it.

I started this out with saying I wanted to do this for you when you were 18 and about to go out into the big wide world. My mistake was thinking that this book wouldn't be something you could use until you were that age. Well, I was wrong, and the truth is you can use this book now, and that's why I am writing it. I won't promise this book will always be easy to read (there is some dark shit to follow), and I won't promise you will see me as a hero by the end (though I think I do all right for the most part.). Hell I won't even promise this will be something you enjoy reading. However, what I do promise, is that if you follow me through this tale, you will learn something as long as you remain open to learning.

I love you Serene-Wind Mary Martens, and this book is dedicated to you and only you. May the lessons you learn within serve you well. Now, grab my hand just like when you were little and feel free to stop and think about things whenever you need. I promise that I will be here for you when your ready to take a few more steps...